Have you ever had a non-affectionate child? Polly is definitely our least affectionate child. She never gives kisses (to me or anyone--ever!), never wants to hug and rarely ever snuggles in to the crook of my neck, which is why I'm so glad Chris snapped this photo of us after her doctor's appointment the other day. I don't know what it means, or if it means anything--her love language is definitely not physical touch though. It IS reading books to her. And taking her outside and letting her run around. It's letting her sit on an adult chair at the table instead of her highchair. She loves when I let her push the button to open the microwave after something is done heating up. And when I tell her she's doing a good job (she loves putting the shoes in the basket or the silverware in the sink!) she beams from ear to ear--which feels about as good as a hug. :)
• Speaking of types, we had a Chris Loves Julia team building experience where we all took this free Enneagram test to find out our number(s)! Turns out I'm a 3 wing 2--which sums up to The Motivator. One thing that I liked about the test was it gave you the good and the truth about yourself. I'm not sure how reading about myself was so eye-opening, but it was! Do you know your Enneagram number?
• I loved this article on email sign off--and I'm totally adapting All good things.
• This week, we had a few friends over for a game night and taught them how to play Camel Up--it's the funnest game revolving around betting over a camel race! They're already asking for another Camel Up night and I couldn't recommend it enough!
• My new sunglasses sold out quick, but I found them in tortoise here and I'm obsessed.
• This 5' faux fiddle leaf is back in stock for $58! And if you've never purchased anything from QVC use code TEN4U for $10 off making it only $48 off! We have this one and it looks so great!
• We are headed to Oahu, Hawaii on Tuesday to visit Chris's parents who are on a mission and brother who lives there. We are taking the girls for their first time and so looking forward to warm weather and getting away. We booked the trip months ago and it's honestly coming at the perfect time. Faye asked "Can we go to the beach right when we get there?!" Maybe we'll just stay forever.
Here are a few of my favorite one-pieces (perfect for chasing my girls all over the place) right now!
We have posts scheduled all through next week! So there will still be plenty to catch up on over here. :)
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Love this post and I am obsessed with these shelves. Where are they from! Love the mixture of prints too. You are incredible!
Julia - it's months later, and I can never remember my enneagram type, but I always remember that MINE IS THE SAME AS YOURS. So I came back here to look it up. :) Thanks for sharing!!! See you back @ this post in like 3 months when someone asks me again what my type is! xo
Your home is very beautiful. It has such a serene and comfy vibe. You have probably answered this before, but what color did you paint your living room walls?
Benjamin Moore Hazy Skies
We just got back from Oahu! We have been to Maui many times, but we decided to mix it up and try something new! Our favorite tourist thing to do was visit Kuaola ranch and do an ATV tour. Just a word of caution... and I am sure this won’t happen to you guys... but my daughter got stung by a Portuguese Man of war in the water....ack! We knew these things were in some of the waters off Oahu (mostly north shore) but never dreamed we would encounter one. It was very painful and traumatic for my poor baby girl, so just keep your eyes out when playing in the water! Hope you have an amazing time!
i love the enneagram! I'm also a 3 wing 2. It's super interesting, but there are a lot of weaknesses that come with it, i'm learning!
Two completely separate thoughts...
1) my oldest didn’t like a cuddle with me. Because if this, I missed out on about 5 months of snuggles with baby #2. It just didn’t occur to me to sit and rock her or hold her in my lap for no reason because the older one never wanted to do that. But don’t you worry, we made up for lost time!
2) do you buy long torso suits? I am not as tall as you (5’8”), but have a long torso. I have recently fallen in love with Biden one pieces that tie at the neck because they are long enough without needed the extended size. Just wondering if you have a go-to swim brand I should try.
Thanks for being you and sharing your life.
Good day! (A sign off Paul Harvey—style)
Carrie
I actually have a normal sized torso and don't need a long swimsuit. It's so strange but all my height is in my legs
My grandson was a very affectionate child; would sit in my lap to read books together. My granddaughter, not so much. She barely hugs. But she loves loves loves doing craft time together and always wants the playdough or drawing paper or cutting stuff out and gluing it down on something. Then she'll give it to you to hang up.
Both valid ways of showing affection.
I had you down as a 3! The big question now is what type is Chris? I'm a 5w6 married to a 9w1.
I'm really not a physically affectionate person. I agree with the others who say this is a love languages thing and also think it's probably an Enneagram thing as well (though you won't know that for sure for years). I can understand that it might be sad but definitely don't worry about it.
He's a 5w4!
I used to be very touchy as a child but starting in my teenage years I would only want to be hugged by my family and people I was super close too. It even took a lot to hug my grandparents. But I don't see them very much. Even now I don't like to be hugged very much by my family unless I am not okay. I may be a little more affectionate with a boyfriend. But I have a pretty big bubble. I think most people can tell, I get nervous when they get too close to me and they will usually ask if it is okay to give me a hug. I am grateful for that. Sometimes I may say no but sometimes I may say yes. It still might be an awkward hug if I do say yes. I'm grateful though that they respect me to ask because it is my body. Your daughters love language might change when she is older but I am grateful you are respectful with her love language if it differ to yours.
Loved this post and gawdddd Julia!! Such good bathing suit picks! I already have a bunch and am now trying to do math to see if it's worth it for me to get more lol
Hi! ???????? So I’m totally there with you with a non affectionate child!! Well actually it was a non affectionate baby and toddler. From the moment I brought her home from the hospital she never really wanted us to cuddle her. Like honestly I don’t think she hugged once when she was little. One of my friends said that their little girl was like that too and it got way better at 3 1/2. Then when my daughter got to 3 1/2 it was the same for me. She got way more affectionate and wanted to cuddle with me way more often. So maybe on the hard days that you don’t feel as connected think that it is most likely a phase and she will one day love having you cuddle with her. ♥️
I too had a very independent baby.....I know it sounds weird right! But not affectionate and did not need cuddles. She grew up and continued being very independent, which in a way I suppose we encouraged as we had 2 younger daughters to follow. She is an incredible 22year old now, working over the other side of the world with a degeee in mathematics. However I have noticed that the confidence that went with the independence is not as strong as it was but I feel that is part of leaving home.... either was we are super proud of her and love her to bits.. thanks for great article.
I wonder if Polly’s snuggle-tendencies will change as her brain adjusts to her ears not being full of fluid. I just finished a book about brain plasticity, and the last few chapters had a lot of info about the relationship between the ears, the brain, and a variety of things like autism, sensory perception disorder, etc. It will be interesting to see how she is as an adult! I’m definitely not a snuggler — sometimes we non-snugglers are misunderstood! :)
Suzanne Stabile’s website has ENNEAGRAM lesson mo3 - I’m about to start her book on discovering your enneagram. Using a free test I was a two, but interested to see if the book matches up!
My baby (about the same age as Polly) isn’t very affectionate, either! It does make the occasional hug even sweeter, though. :)
"And when I tell her she’s doing a good job (she loves putting the shoes in the basket or the silverware in the sink!) she beams from ear to ear"
Polly's love languages sound like words of affirmation (saying good job, etc.) and acts of service (let me help!). Those are my two love languages and if they are the same for her, I get the affection part! It's my lowest rated love language, but it doesn't mean I don't love my family, friends or what we're doing. I just want to express my love in different ways :)
The enneagram tests I’ve tried never come back with my number. I’m a self preservation 5. Listening to interviews and analysis through podcasts was so helpful for me. My favorites are Typology and Enneagram Journey.
Heyoooo! 38 year old non-affectionate child here! I can tell you, at least from my personal experience, that not being physically affectionate is absolutely no reflection on you as a parent! For me growing up (and still to this day) hugging, cuddling, holding hands etc. was simply just something that it never occurred to me to do. I loved my family, I cared about others, and my brother, who is only 2 1/2 years younger was the cuddliest, coziest little guy. He remains that way today, as a 36 year old man, and for me, my first reaction when someone places their hand on my back, or goes in for a hug, or accidentally grazes my fingertip when taking my credit card, is to pull away quickly like I touched hot fire! I like people, I enjoy interacting with them, and there was never any "event" in my life that made me pull away from physical touch. It's just not a part of my personality. I don't even think about it. It's not a conscious decision in any way. It's just a thing that's a little bit different than how most people do things, but it's not necessarily indicative of anything deeper. I'd say it's definitely probably a "Love Languages" thing. We just show our affection differently. We still love everyone a lot! And, like you may have noticed, when we do break down and give some physical affection, it feels super rewarding! ;)
My oldest is not terribly affectionate. At first I thought I was doing something wrong! But it’s just him. And over time he has gotten (slightly) more snuggly but if you ask if you can give him a kiss, he almost always says no. It’s actually been a good reminder to me that his body belongs to him and I can’t force it. I’m hoping that respecting his wishes helps teach him to respect other people. And I will say that I maybe appreciate even more when he offers a hug/snuggle/kiss because it’s so rare!
Chris & Julia,
If you can swing a date without kids for about 3 hours-- I would go on the
https://www.kualoa.com/premier-movie-sites-tour/
I had never seen any of the Jurassic World movies and I had a wonderful time on the tour. It's in an a/c Mercedes-Benz Sprinter Van. Water bottles and movie treats provided. So much fun!! You do get out of the van often to walk around the movie sites. It's a 15 -20 min drive from the PCC. Also going south on the island to the Aloha Stadium flea market is fun to pick up souvenirs at. The girls would probably enjoy a morning at Hanauma Bay- just walking into the water and perhaps being lifted up to look down and see all the brightly colored fish-- without snorkeling. It's 75 min drive from the PCC. We also enjoyed a twilight tour at the Honolulu zoo. It's 60 min from the PCC. We did this all last May-- besides a 2 night stay at the Aulani and then staying elsewhere. I'm sure the grandparents will love seeing you and showing you around.
I 've taken the Enneagram test for fun, I'm a 9 "The Peacemaker". It is creepy how accurate is it. I avoid conflict at all cost, which is hard when being the director of a program where conflict happens about ever other day! My job has made me stronger person though!
And Hawaii! So fun! I am eagerly awaiting summer to arrive here in Oklahoma!
My oldest was not a cuddly baby or toddler and it was soul-crushing! He's much more snuggly as a 7 year old now. It was a big blessing when his younger brother came along and loved to snuggle from day one. <3
Type 7 here with balanced wings!
We went to Oahu a little more than a year ago and stayed in a house just south of BYU.
Some of my favorite things on that side of the island :
Papa Ole's- Its in a strip mall, EAT THERE!! and get a peanut butter roll if they aren't gone already! Restaurants are scarce/busy on that side so we hit Costco too- for sure if you tend to eat later... everything closes early! And Poke at Tamuras grocery (you were shopping anyhow!) was absolutely delicious!!
Walk out to Goat Island- there were people fishing in the little lagoon too... so much fun to watch and fun to swim.
Shark Encounters swimming in a cage with the sharks- totally safe and so exciting!
Snorkeling at Turtle Bay- Not the greatest snorkeling, but was really good for a beginner: easy sand entry, it's a bay so it feels safe, not to 'wavy'. Pack a lunch though-$25 burgers add up fast!
Definitely try a "li hing mui" drink (virgin or not) salted plum! Unusually delicious!
Kualoa Ranch. We did the hour jungle tour.. .we wish we would have done the longer one, it was so much fun and flew by! It poured on our tour and they guys made it really fun anyhow! Warm rain ATV-ing was fun!
On the Honolulu side (and drive through the Tetsuo Harano Tunnels to get from one side to the other at least once):
Free fireworks at the Hilton. Their Lua is outside too so we watched to decide if we wanted to go to an actual lua. We did, but just never made it to one.
Pearl Harbor of course: The girls will love the short boat ride.
Genki Sushi- ok sushi- but fun just for the conveyor belt part of it. Also order other items on an ipad and a monorail delivers your food from the kitchen. Kids love it and a good bribe to get them to try new food!
We had a great time there and would love to go back!
My family is flying into Oahu on Tuesday too! Ha! Just a weird coincidence. Have a fun trip!
Oh, man! It's like this post was written just for me! Our oldest (he'll be 11 next week) was never a snuggler and there were a couple of years that he all but refused hugs and kisses. It was hard to do but we knew it was so important to respect his boundaries and give him control over his own body. He'll now initiate hugs with a few people and I've found myself relishing them so much more because I know that he's so conscious about who and when he touches.
Our small group at church has gone through the enneagram and it has been so helpful in relationships and in knowing myself. I'm a 1w9 and since learning about it, I can monitor my own mental health so much better and can explain my feelings to my husband and he has a point of reference. I'm also able to watch for patterns in him and we can use it as a jumping off place to talk about our mental and emotional health.
Have so much fun in Hawaii. We went to Kauai in February and I'm telling you, that place is MAGIC! We had the best time and there is so much beauty that I honestly didn't know where to look when we were driving down the road.
My beautiful oldest daughter is nearly 16, and she's never been affectionate. She shares a room with her quirky 8-year old sister, and I caught her giving lessons on how to extricate yourself from unwanted hugs. *haha "Pat them a couple times on the back and gently pull away. It works every time." I seriously died.
I love all your game recommendations! I've bought several. May I suggest adding a "shop our games" category. Or a games devoted post. :) I frequently think ' what was the game Julia suggested for...kids, groups, etc...?' I love games.
That's a great idea! We love games!
I love that photo of you and Polly!! Our second daughter (almost 3) is a champion snuggler when she feels lovey and it melts my heart! Our older daughter liked being nearby/smashed against my body on the sofa but was not nearly as affectionate physically.
I have loved the Myers Briggs but found the Enneagram to be so much more self revealing! I'm either 4w5 or 5w4, not sure despite a bit of research. I signed up for the EnneaThought for the day from the Enneagram Institute which has been pretty cool. Think I'll listen to that podcast mentioned in a previous comment.
My favorite email of every day!
Love your blog!
You are most likely a type 1. : o
Enneagram Type 1 - The Reformer Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 1w2
I hope you have a great vacation!
My oldest daughter is not a affectionate person, and never has been. She never wanted us to play with her, never wanted to be snuggled, when you held her she had to always be facing out. She is 12 now and she still is that way. She doesn't like to give hugs and when she does it is a awkward side hug (even to her father and I), she doesn't hold hands with us or cuddle with us. And I have always summed it up to she just is independent and always has been. She was 6 before we had our second daughter and it has been a adjustment for me because I was so use to this independent child I had to myself for so long that I just expected my youngest to be the same, and she so isn't. She loves to snuggle (She is six now). She loves holding hands, she loves crawling in my lap and still gives me a kiss goodbye and goodnight. It is sad to say that was an adjustment for me because it is such a beautiful thing to love on your children, but I had just spent so long with a little girl who was uninterested in that aspect of bonding. I thought that was the norm. Sometimes I feel like my oldest was this way because of our life situation at the time. My husband and I were both in the Navy and he was deployed in Japan for her entire first year of life. I always felt like she knew we were going through something or she knew I was going through something trying to juggle a first year of marriage alone, our first child alone and still be active duty and just accommodated herself to help me (is that crazy to think that?). Sorry this is getting deep for a comment. All I wanted to say was, I don't think it is a bad thing, she just is her own little beautiful person who shows love in her own little way.
Hey Julia!
If you love eneagramms and want a creative and fun way to learn about them then the ‘Sleeping ya Last’ podcast is actually the best. He explains each number with an expert and then writes music from the perspective. Very fun, enlightening, and a cool twist than just reading paragraphs.
Have a wonderful time in Hawaii! Soak up the sun for me, England’s quite glooming this time of year.
My daughter is the same as Polly! She will give us hugs now when we ask, but it’s not something she has ever come to naturally. “Physical touch is not her love language” is the perfect way to describe it!
Hi Julia!! Glad you touched on the enneagram today. I’m an 8w7 “the challenger”. I knew that’s what I’d be before I even took the test.. I have serious control issues ????
I wanted to tell you you’ve inspired me to install a new window in our house and I was just reading some of your past blog posts for advice! It feels impossible to me because I just feel like no one does it, I was even having a hard time finding a contractor! Can’t wait to see the impact it has on our living room though, especially on the south wall! Do you have any advice on how to pick a size, and would you still add a new window even if the view would be the side of your neighbors house (which needs to be power washed pretty badly?)
Thanks so much!! Enjoy Hawaii! That’s high on our list of places to visit.
The hugs and kisses may still be yet to come! Or not! My baby is just turning 2 and has never been a snuggler but she has been looking for hugs more and more over the last few weeks. It was unexpected but it's so cute!
That JCREW rouched suit is my all time fave one piece, and I am a 7w6!!
It's the most flattering ever!
Speaking from someone who is addicted to opening your site right at 7am EST to see if you posted that day, i'm SO GLAD you are doing posts all next week while you're on vacation. I'm sure it's a ton of work, but I wanted to let you know that it's appreciated because I love reading your blog every. single. day. :)
Aww thank you!!